6:00am ... Cale's alarm goes off... my brain turns on. "Wake up, it is February 1st, you need to make a list of things to pack, you leave in 19 days. You need to figure out what kinds of shoes you need, you need to go buy snacks to keep in your hotel room, you need to make sure you know what the weather is going to be like, you need to send your parents your itinerary. You need to get up because you need to do payroll, you need to do yoga and meditation, you need to drink cup of hot lemon water. Get up! You better email your Papa and ask him what you need to pack exactly. You should probably find a bigger suitcase and order those essential oils you need. You should make a pile of stuff now: passport, you just put it in that leather case, Go-Pro, you should figure out how to use that, bug spray because you heard about Zika... speaking of getting sick, you need to buy anti-motion-sickness-healing-powers...."
6:01am ... My heart is racing and I am totally panicked that I am basically going to die packing for my trip, die driving to my hotel because I am car sick or die because of mosquitoes.
6:02am ... STOP - b r e a t h e - Cordelia - b r e a t h e
6:02:25am ... Now that I am breathing again, I have two choices. 1. I can continue this lovely, worry-filled to do list and possibly have a heart attack by 9am due to the speed my heart is racing. 2. Stop freaking out and handle my day according to what I can actually do, right now, with joy, the end.
6:03am .... I am now talking to myself, sure, maybe I'm crazy, but it works. "I am not doing this, I can not prevent death by nausea or mosquito. I can not pack right now. I am not spending my day freaking out about things I don't even need to think about right now. I do need to do payroll. I can do payroll. I am going to do payroll."
I've taken trips to Central America before. I know I can successfully do them. I can actually do ALL the things I was worrying about at 6:00am. I just don't NEED to do them at 6:00am.
I am human, I worry. I worry about insane stuff. I know it's insane because 90% of the stuff I worry about DOESN'T EVER HAPPEN! 9% of the stuff that DOES happen is never a big deal (aka forgetting my toothbrush). 1% of what I worry about, happens, and sucks, but it never sucks as much as I worry it will.
So today, and every other day, I pick option 2. Just because I pick option 2 doesn't mean 6:00am worry fests no longer happen. It just means I get to choose the thoughts in my mind that I listen too. I get to tell the useless, worry-filled, stress creating thoughts to take a hike. I get to fill this moment with breath until I am calm. I get to decide how I am going to move forward. I get to choose #2. Stop freaking out and handle my day according to what I can actually do, right now, with joy, the end.
xo | cordelia