I had a discovery recently in a training, one that at first glance I resisted because it's not pretty or a positive quality about myself. One that shouldn't have come as a surprise because every personality test I've taken has told me this, I'm judgmental, or at least least I use judgments to make decisions. While judgments can be useful, using them all the time seems to leave me blind in some areas of my life.
Judgments can be like fog, at first a little fog isn't a big deal but eventually the fog becomes so thick I can't see through it. This is what I've been doing to my relationships with others and myself. I judge and compare what I am, who I am, what I do, to everything everyone else does as a way check to see if I am right or wrong. Subsequently I make others right or wrong based on my judgments of myself and them. The more judgments, she's so fake looking, the more fog, I'm not capable, more fog, she doesn't know how to take care of herself, the sun fades, the fog thickens. Even if I am not verbalizing my judgments out loud, they are there, they are subconscious, they are happening and the fog thickens. Each snide comment, each little comparison, each time I think my way is right, I spread more fog. All that I want in life is connection, to build and have a community, and what I have is clouded, grey, and foggy.
The amazing thing about fog is that when it lifts what's left is clarity. When I choose to stop judging, when I can see people and let them see me; my hurts, their hurts, my shame, their shame, my lies, their lies, my insecurities, their insecurities, my desire to be accepted, their desire to be accepted, my desire to be heard, their desire to be heard, my desire to be loved, their desire to be loved, when I can see that I am good enough and YOU are good enough, THEN the fog lifts, and what is left is light. Bright, clear, warm sunlight. Light that draws people in, light that connects people and lifts people up.
I know this clarity is possible, I've felt it, I've seen the fog lift. I know it will get foggy again, that I'll be judgmental, it's 86% on my Myer-Briggs test. I also know what it feels like to be disconnected from people and myself because I was judgmental. When it comes to judging people, it's not working for me, it's not helping me make decisions about the people I love, it's blinding me of light, robbing me of connection, leaving me alone and foggy. Which isn't at all how I intend to live. So this is for you to see ALL OF ME, imperfect, real, honest, brave, messy, open, hurting and healing. I am no different from you and I choose to see ALL OF YOU too.