I like things finished. Plates of food, chores, work. There is something distressing to me about having them undone, like the walking around with my shoelaces untied. It's messy and potentially dangerous. I find myself rushing to eat just so I can get to the next thing, cleaning up the kitchen. And there is no way that I would ever leave a morsel of food on my plate, even if I was full, it's wasteful and undone. For as long as I can remember I have lived by the idea that if I can't have it all, I want none of it. If I can't do it all, I'll do none of it. There is no part way, no splitting, and never undone projects. My life is a never ending to-do list, one with me at the bottom.
Last night I was sitting in a very undone house with many undone work projects. I felt anxious and overwhelmed, something in me was begging to practice yoga. To skip ahead on the list, to go all the way to the bottom and choose me. I made dinner and ate slowly in a messy kitchen that I did not clean. When I sat down to finish projects the next thing I knew it was too late and my morning person brain was shutting down. Again I had to choose me. I went to go to bed with an undone list. The voices in my head were calling me a failure, blaming me for practicing yoga, or eating dinner for so long. The list kept running like movie credits as I drifted to sleep.
Like anything in life, this is about balance and my to-do list generally feels all-or-nothing, very unbalanced. Today, my to-do list isn't going to be all about me, it's not going to be all about work either. I can't always be at the bottom of the list and neither can work. Living well is taking stock, measuring, adding and subtracting. Right now I need to subtract the idea that undone is bad and complete is good. Right now I need to add myself somewhere in the middle of the list. A list that isn't written in stone, a list that I can change, a list that can be undone.