I use to laugh when people would get worried about their birthdays - especially the big ones like 30. I never understood what was so scary about age. Then I turned 29 my perspective shifted a bit. About 6 months into being 29 I was driving home to visit my family and was hit with a sudden panic of age. I was turning 30 and what did that even mean? People would say "are you nervous about turning 30?" or "how do you feel about turning 30?" What was going to happen that makes turning 30 so strange? On a high looking at my life, about 99% of my friends are moms or dads. The ones in their 30s and the ones in their mid-late 20s. Most of them own houses. Most of them appear to be grown ups and I never noticed this as a kid but people are starting to age. I don't feel grown up - I still haven't called the dentist and there are age spots on my face and my hands are starting to look older. I started to compare - the stats, true and false, were hitting my windshield like bugs. 'What am I doing' kept flashing before my eyes.
2 months later I decided I didn't care. What is 30 anyways? A number that means what I make it mean. 30 means that 15 years ago I was hit by a car, while walking to breakfast with friends, on the first day of summer break, after my first year of High School. 30 means I've almost known Cale for 10 years. 30 means that I am older than I was at 29.
29 taught me that the path I am walking is the path I am meant to walk.
29 taught me that I am quite capable of learning new things for my new job.
29 taught me that community is the most important to me.
29 taught me to trust my gut more.
29 taught me I am quite judgmental.
29 taught me that I don't know what I don't know. And that I don't know what I don't know, I don't know. There is so much I don't know.
29 taught me that I put up walls when I feel separate - making me feel more separated.
29 taught me that I can pack less on trips.
29 taught me that I can't handle violent or creepy movies.
29 taught me to listen to my body.
29 taught me that I enjoy working out.
It was sweet, 29. I am thankful for it.
My hope for 30.
To be for people, to stand with them with grace and compassion. To let them have their crap and not clean it up for them and not track it around with me.
To listen to people. To hear them and hold space for them. To not judge them. To not push them away. To let people be themselves and let that mean NOTHING about me.
To go bravely down this path, to work hard and to make each decision with the intention of creating a more beautiful, connected world.
To own a house.
To make a home in a new house.
To go on more walks with Cale.
To see a new state.
To put down roots, to make traditions, to have visitors, to cook meals and eat in my backyard.
To be content and to disrupt the drift of being content. To be in conscious flow with my life.
To have a dog.
Today I am resting somewhere between caring and not caring about being 30. I have moments where I fear I've done it all wrong - that I am stepping into 30 as a failure, behind and left out. Then there are moments where it's all very clear. That it's not about how old I am turning, and what I've done or not done. It's about what I am doing right now. Am I present right now? Am I living the life that I want to live right now? Am I being the woman I want to be right now? One absolute truth I know is that right now is the creator of tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, the next 30 years. Right now, am I living out of fear or love?
So here is to the next moment of my life: I am ready for you. I let go of where I've been to go where I am headed --- whatever it looks like, I hope it brings beauty, goodness, and truth into the world.