A few weekends ago I co-facilitated my first 200 hour yoga teacher training! There were points in the training that I felt sure of myself, confident and excited. Points where I felt nervous but moved forward anyways and points where I felt disappointed in myself. I noticed areas in my teaching and leading that use to function and now just don't. I am a huge analogy girl, so here is what I am talking about: imagine you have your favorite muffin recipe memorized. You've made it so many times that each step feels natural. Then you try a new muffin recipe and discover parts of it that you love, so you make it a handful of times. When you go back to make your original muffin, big chunks of the recipe were missing from your brain, including your favorite spices.
That is how I felt, like I had forgotten parts of me and my teaching that were important. I felt disappointed in myself. All that training, gone. Then something amazing happened. I noticed something different about me.
Lets skip back to my 200 hour training, the training that made me become a yoga teacher. In that training I realized I really wanted to be brave and playful. I felt that I had been living my life trying to fit in, and hide behind other people, I had no courage to stand out of the crowd. I struggled to take a joke or laugh. Being in front of people really freaked me out. Doing that while being silly, heck no! That would never happen!
So here I was, a facilitator, leading my content in the training and being completely silly, I was talking to apples, yes, you read that right, talking to apples. It doesn't really matter WHY I was doing this, it just matters that it happened. I was being brave AND playful.
Here's what I learned, learning is a process. Duh, right? But seriously, it takes time. It would be silly of me to think that I could learn everything once, change the way I am acting once, and have all new habits that make me perfect, right? Well that is essentially what I was feeling when I forgot my "muffin ingredients". What is really cool about learning is that it soaks in, in it's own time.
I had this idea, my whole life, that once I learned something, I was done. That if I forced enough 'self-bettering-books or podcasts' into my head, I would magically be better. If I started eating all the right stuff and using all the "good" products, my unhealthy habits would fall away. It's just not like that. I didn't become brave and playful the month I decided it was what I wanted. More than 2 years later I NOTICED that I felt brave and playful. Of course there have been other times I have been brave and yes there will be times I am not playful, that is precisely my point.
My new mission in life is to not rush the process of learning. Not force myself to be a new person with new habits. Let me live my life with intention and then watch how it changes. It's not instant, its gradual, it happens with ease, not force.