I think there's an illusion out there that having children will complete us. It's one of many, and whatever *it* is we're promised will make us feel whole, it tends to disappoint. Specifically with having a child, the message seems to be that everything will make sense once a woman has a "mother's" perspective.
I'd like to call BULLSHIT on the idea that any wonderful life experience can do that.
It’s true that motherhood changes things. Of course.
It’s true that motherhood feels miraculous. Literally body fluids develop into a body-fluid-ejecting mini human in 9 freaking months.
It’s also true that every one of the billions of people on the planet came from a womb.
Motherhood is mundanely commonplace.
Dissatisfaction, emptiness, and confusion are part of being human. They have to be for satisfaction, fullness, and clarity to also exist. At least that’s my experience. And they don't end when a baby is born. Just like they don’t end with a wedding, or wealth, or Walt Disney World.
I would like to shatter the illusion that motherhood is the ultimate fulfillment for women. Mostly, because I think it's damaging to put that kind of expectation on any of life's experiences.
Having Phoenix has been a very healing experience for me, but it hasn't completed me, as no experience can. When I got divorced, I released marriage from that job. I learned then that wholeness isn't something I can achieve or acquire. So, I want to release motherhood from the same responsibility. And more importantly, I want to release Phoenix from any burden to make me happy.
I guess I'm learning it's a disservice to myself and others to call any life choice or experience the ultimate thing. It puts too much pressure on it for me, and limits my experience of it; then positions me for argument and comparison with others. No good.
Maybe I can let my life's experiences be both...miraculous and mundane. Maybe that would end the need to label any one experience as the ultimate one. Maybe we can support each other in whatever paths we choose, because maybe we're all chasing the same thing in our own way. Perhaps there are disappointments and moments of euphoria along the way, and we can stand together for both. Maybe this would heal us of comparing and envying one another.
Perhaps by allowing our experiences to be both miraculous and mundane, we'll experience life more fully and be more connected to each another.