Missing Element

I have been dancing around this post for awhile. Talking about water, posting pictures of the lake. I am probably holding back because writing it requires me to commit to it. To commit to add water to my earthy fiery way and to share some not so pretty feelings I have.

I have always been drawn to water. There is something so refreshing about seeing where the water meets the sky. I love the water when it is smooth and calm and when its is dark and wavy. The element of water flows from one point to the next. It holds on to nothing yet it can hold up ships. It is strong enough to create big change in rocks and soft enough to move through tight spaces. I am not naturally watery. I am very grounded and passionate. I am earth and fire.

Moving 3 minutes away from the beach has really shown me how much water is missing from my life. So when I got here, I started to add water into my way of being. The choice to start teaching at a new yoga studio was watery. I am very grounded in my thoughts and way of teaching. I love the background I came from, the growth I made there. Entering into a new studio with different teaching styles I began feeling hardened. I didn't want to accept the way of teaching, the new environment. I wanted to hold tightly onto where I came from. I watched the yoga practice of one of the teachers as she floated from pose to pose with such ease, she looked as light as a feather and as strong as iron. She had water. In contrast, my practice felt strong but also heavy, it felt weighted down.

As I settle into a new place and create new connections, it has been a struggle for me to feel ease around the relationships I've moved away from. I want to remind everyone every day how much I love and miss them. I want them all to come visit, to go to the beach with me, to be here. I want to ask them about all the changes in their lives. I want them to confide in me because that means we are close. It means they haven't forgotten that I love and miss them. It means they still want me around as much as I want them. You know, when you add water to fire there is steam...the process of adding water to these relationships has resulted in some steam, backlash on my end. I feel sad that I am not a part of all the things happening in the place I left. I feel jealous that I am not there. I feel hurt that I am not the one talking to you at coffee and hearing about your life changes.

Then I remind myself what I am doing. I am adding water.  I am letting what happens happen. I'm letting go of the tight hold I have on the people and even the place—the hold that I hope keeps them in my life. I can have ease in my relationships by just letting them be. Letting people come and go naturally. Letting these relationships I care deeply for have their own shape, different from the shape I want them to have. 

Adding water doesn't just happen in one area, it's not just a yoga practice thing or a relationship thing. It's showing up in cooking dinner. I haven't cracked open a cook book or pulled up a Pinterest pin. I am just floating through my kitchen, adding a pinch of this and a dash of that. I rarely make grocery lists, I just buy why I enjoy eating or cooking with. A lemon, lime, cilantro, some avocados and chicken. A few fresh peppers from the farmers market. Eggs and some tortillas. The water element has given me freedom at the grocery store. Freedom from meal planning. Freedom from list making.

Water is allowing me to say I don't know. When I moved here I dropped all the planning. I had nowhere to be, no one to meet up with. I could just float. I am now slowly adding in plans. A couple yoga classes to teach, coffee with a new friend, a gym membership I am committed to.

This post isn't me telling you to abandon all your commitments and plans. I am not even suggesting you quit meal planning and following lists. Don't do what I am doing. Water is MY missing element. I have always been scheduled, committed, grounded, strong in what I am doing 100% of the time. I follow my planner's plans. If I write a list, I complete it. I show up when I am supposed to. I am always here rooted where I put myself. I am earth. I am fire. Water is giving me ease. It is giving me lightness.

Just last week I made a "to do" list. I committed to a new yoga studio. I reached out to a friend. I made a plan to go back to the place I left and be a part of it just for a moment.

I am not abandoning earth or fire. I am adding water. It is my missing element.