No joke, I started writing this post in February and I thought about it again this week when I realized that it is always true.
February 8th, 2016
There are weekends - or what I call weekends - that I am home Thursday and don't leave again until Monday. I clean a little, work a little, lay around a lot, eat a lot. The first weekend this happened I felt miserable and useless. I felt lonely and bored. I am used to having a large handful of people nearby at all times. I am used to having plans all weekend. It feels strange to have little to do.
August 22nd, 2016
I got a feeling today that a change is around the corner again. I've adapted to doing very little and it has become comfortable. I don't even like to make plans. I enjoy laying around a lot and working a little. I am used to having no one around. I have started making commitments and that feels strange.
In September 2015, when I moved to Ohio, my life changed. In February 2016, my life felt like a kite flying in the wind. It was the first time in 10 years that I didn't have to work every day. I had some strings tied to my kite, I worked Tuesday - Thursday in Indiana. The rest of the time I didn't actually have to be anywhere, it was a new kind of freedom for me.
When we moved to Michigan I cut all the strings. My kite flew away, letting the wind take it everywhere. Sometimes the wind died down and the kite spun in circles on the ground, sometimes it picked up and my kite traveled to new places. When I first started making commitments here it felt scary, like if I tied a string to a commitment, I wouldn't be able to float away to Indiana for the week, I would lose all the freedom I had come to love. Once a string was tied, I adapted and realized that I still had space to float. This week I tied myself to another commitment, anchoring me here even more.
The truth is Mr. Ebb and Mrs. Flow are constant visitors in my life. Resisting Mr. Ebb, the guy trying to anchor me in a new spot, only creates troubles for me, leaving a longing for connection. And when his wife, Mrs. Flow, shows up asking me to trust the process of cutting strings and I don't, I end up exhausted. I feel like I am too many places at once, or tied down and trapped.
Thus I've discovered the process of trusting Mr. Ebb and Mrs. Flow. They work well together. Helping me tie myself to new things, to make a new home and new friends and to stay free, able to move with the wind when change comes. As soon as I think I have it all figured out, one of them shows up and offers me something new and I no longer need to argue with them. I trust that they know how to balance me back out.