"Who are you?" asked Maddie. She continued on about an idea she had but all I heard is "who are you?" I kept saying it over and over in my head? Who am I? I don't have a full time job, I am not a mom, what am I doing with myself? Who am I? I tried listing all of these things... I am a wife? I am a daughter? I am someone who has been hurt? I am someone who is blessed beyond reason? I am a yoga teacher? None of these things felt like they fit the hole left by the question "who am I?"
An image popped into my mind of nameless, experience-less Cordelia. I striped all of those things away. EveryTHING that describes me gone. All the past hurt, the times I felt scared, alone, sad. Even the best times. If nothing had ever happened to me and I had no fear, no insecurities, no concern for looking good, if I was truly selfless, then who is Cordelia?
My only care in the world would be to spread light. If nothing were about me, my only goal would be to validate YOU and give YOU light. If I were selfless I would spend all my time and energy helping everyone feel connected, loved, and cared for. I would make all my decisions based on if it brings beauty into an ugly world. I would make all my YES' based on if they honor humanity as a whole. What I think, what I say, even what I do. As simple as a load of laundry, am I doing it with joy? Bringing joy into the world? Am I doing basic boring tasks as a YES?
I would say NO to that which didn't honor my YES. I would say NO to all the things that only honored my needs and my wounds; gossip, jealousy, comparison, self serving motives, manipulation, dishonesty. I would say NO because those things aren't serving humanity, they don't bring light into the world.
So speaking of revisiting old lessons (ahem Maddie), I already knew that the core of who I am is someone here to serve, to create beauty and spread light, it's why I started writing again. I needed some way to get out what was inside. In the last six months that core piece, my soul, got buried under a pile of stuff. It got dusty. That stuff is mostly stuff society tell us we need. A new shirt, a better job, this new skin care line, the things that bring the feelings of insecurities, not having enough, not looking the right way, you know...stuff. It distracted me from what I already knew. But I can't blame society for all it, in some way it was because sometimes I just don't want to take the highroad. I don't want to serve people and give and give and get nothing in return. Sometimes I want to make my focus on making money and being spoiled. I want to feel bad for myself when people let me down. I want to complain and gossip. I want to do the: grab-fast-food, skip-the-book-watch-the-movie, buy-the-cheaper-less-sustainable-option, easy way out. Why? Cause, it's easier, at least in the moment.
At some point I started thinking I needed more in order to become who I want to become, I need go out and find Cordelia and discover what makes her tick. But I don't. I don't need to figure out who I am. I already know. I know what makes me tick and it's creating community, creating beauty, creating connection and loving the crap out of everyone.
Choosing that, choosing to be THAT Cordelia, it isn't easy everyday. Heck, I forget about her all the time when I am busy feeling insecure, scared, or not good enough. But when I recognize that my soul is dusty and buried under stuff, I clean up the mess, I dust off my soul and choose to be of love and service because it's actually way easier for me to live being true to who I am.